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Doctor Woah: Johnny Mnemonic Review
ge { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } -->I fucking hate Keanu Reeves. This is all the intro I can muster. Let's just get on with it.Here's the opening text. I would have just taken a...
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Love is in the Air. And it Reeks: Ghosts Can't Do It Review
This was supposed to be ready for Valentine's Day, but I suck so it's late. Oh well. In honor of the supposed day of love I thought I'd take a look at a movie about love which I myself love, made by a...
View ArticleMy Beliefs Confirmed
So I tried to get rid of my copy of Johnny Mnemonic by selling it off at the local FYE with their buy back program. It rang up as having a value of exactly $0.01. One shiny penny. And they were not...
View ArticleSelf-Promotion at it's Finest
Totally tipping off the Cheap-Arse critic, I made myself a facebook page. Be my fan today~! All two of you!
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Masochism: It's Steven Seagal Month~!
He's Above the Law. He's Hard to Kill. He's Marked for Death. He's Out for Justice.Four weeks, four reviews.... Steven Seagal's first four movies! Witness (with profound horror) the rise of one of...
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Steven Seagal Month, Week One: Above the Law
@page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } -->Ah, Steven Seagal. For years one of the bigger names in action movie-dom thanks to his imposing figure, martial arts fighting style, and...
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Steven Seagal Month, Week Two: Hard to Kill
So when we last left our hero, he had killed Henry Silva, saved the Senator, done a lot of nonsensical things in the process, and made himself a tidy profit at the box office while also garnering...
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Steven Seagal Month, Week Three : Marked for Death
The rise of Steven Seagal continues this week with Marked for Death. After doubling the box office of Above the Law with Hard to Kill, could Captain Squinty keep the trend going with a third hit?...
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Steven Seagal Month, Week Four: Out for Justice
Month one of Steven Seagal Month is finally drawing to a close. That makes sense to me, anyway. Today, we see the last film of Seagal's rise to fame, Out for Justice. Following the successes of Above...
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Steven Seagal Month, Week Five: Under Siege
Where we've been: Steven Seagal hit the scene in 1988 with Above the Law, a surprise hit that made him an instant star and even a bit of a critical darling. He was a lean, mean fighting machine who...
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Quick Thoughts: Dragonball Evolution
Here is yet another reason why I should stop going to the movies and picking a random flick to watch. I remember when you could do that and usually wind up enjoying what you picked, but these days you...
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Steven Seagal Month Finale: On Deadly Ground
-- @page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } -->It's been a long trip through the land of Seagal, but it (finally) ends today with On Deadly Ground. I have feared this day from the...
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The Unfathomable Badness of The Spirit
The Spirit is nothing less than a blight on my very soul that cannot be removed or in any way repaired or improved. I have never before walked out of a movie knowing with absolute certainty that I had...
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It's a Snoozer. Literally: Dream Lover Review
This may well be either the shortest or longest review I've ever written. Shortest because of the utter lack of anything happening in this week's film or longest because of my angry ranting at the...
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Yabba Dabba Don't: Viva Rock Vegas Review
page { margin: 0.79in } P { margin-bottom: 0.08in } -->For the last few months, I've been planning a trip to Las Vegas for the Memorial Day weekend, and like a kid waiting to go to the amusement park I...
View ArticleFucking Hell, and Hell Fucking Yeah
Well, after battling with Norton Internet Security, which actually went HAL 9000 on me and started blocking my internet access when I wouldn't buy the upgrades it wanted me too (and then actually...
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A Slice of Nostalgic Heaven: TMNT Coming Out of Their Shells
I don't think it's any secret that I'm a nostalgia fiend. I just love to look back on my childhood and revel in the things that so easily entertained me and made me happy. Take a gander at my DVD shelf...
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Apocalypse Later, Week One: Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn
3-D movies have been making a comeback the last few years: Monster House, Journey to the Center of the Earth, Nightmare Before Christmas, Bolt, Up, Hannah Montana, Jonas Brothers, My Bloody...
View ArticleApocalypse Later, Week Two: Warrior of the Lost World
Every once in a while I encounter what I like to call a "Seinfeld Movie", which is to say a movie that is about absolutely nothing. Warrior of the Lost World is such a movie, a mishmash of cars and...
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A Sound of Thunder
I needed that time off. There was supposed to be another review in there, but after seeing that last movie I reviewed - a film which shall never again be named - I just needed to get away from movies...
View ArticleThe Cave
Some bad movies age like wine, getting funnier and more lovable every time you see them. MEGAFORCE, for example, is a film that never ceases to reveal yet another nugget or two of awesome, hilarious...
View ArticleGI Joe:Rise of Cobra
As I watched GI Joe: Rise of Cobra, a certain thought kept popping into my head over and over: Hal Needham oughta sue. I was flabbergasted as I watched this movie and realized that it was an unabashed...
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Whiteout
So you're going to make a thriller about a serial killer, and you decide to hire a director who's worked in that area before. Good idea. You choose someone who hasn't actually made a movie in eight...
View ArticleThe Box
It was about an hour into The Box that a very powerful thought occurred to me.This is stupid.I think it was what they call a "Moment of Clarity" - a moment in your life when a single thought allows you...
View ArticleThe Worst Film of 2009: Rob Zombie's Halloween II
I hate Rob Zombie. Hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him, hate him. I don't hate him because his movies suck. I hate him because he doesn't even mean well when he's making them. Ed Wood just wanted to...
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